There is a new way to meet even more lame and more pretentious people than you are naturally surrounded by in FiDi through a new app that combines the douche factor of LinkedIn and the superficial, lazy swiping idea of Tinder – BeLinked. Supposedly, it’s an app like Tinder but it is attached to your Linkedin Profile. You can anonymously swipe people in your industry left and right (not necessarily your connections) and get matched. If you thought you were profoundly tired of hearing the good old “So… what do you do?” cliche, imagine how stale and sodium free the first date conversations are going to be between the BeLinked drones. The biggest initial challenge on these dates will be to not let the vomit erupt as soon as you hear “So….. how do like this new app?” or even worse – going straight to discussing the only thing they most likely have in common – work – and boring each other death in under 20 minutes.
BTW, I propose a new name for this app – BeDouched.
I consider Tinder to be in a way a revolutionary breakthrough in bridging the gap between men and women that so far has been filled with men’s fear of approaching women, women’s apparent unfriendly energy and downright hostile attitude, and all kinds of related insecurities.
However, I can’t help but perceive Tinder as yet another sign of how much less advanced we humans are, than we would like to believe. If we need sophisticated software and GPS signal in order to meet others who are actually located right around us, there must be something wrong with us. Also, I am not sure at all whether a man gets a good deal when he trades the rush pushing his confidence boundaries and approaching women in person for clicking on faces on his smartphone, hoping that a girl, who is probably overwhelmed by hundreds of clicks and pings from other guys, would click back on him, and will actually have enough, attention span and emotional energy to follow through with him out of all the other guys.
I bet the next, upgraded version of this service will make your phone beep faster and louder when you approach a prospective admirer, kind of like metal detector. And it’s inevitable in light of the local climate that the following upgrade will be putting “$$” signs next to guys’ pictures to reflect their net worth. They could just copy and paste the sings from the restaurants section on yelp.
If the major online dating companies gathered and invited all the women in the city for a conspiracy to make as many guys as possible sign up for and use online dating sites as exclusive means of meeting women, these companies wouldn’t have it any better than they already do today, because it looks like they already made such an agreement with the vast majority of the women in San Francisco and the surrounding areas.
The essence of that agreement is simple, and it reads along the lines of this: “We, the women, promise to make ourselves look as unavailable and as unfriendly as possible during most hours of the day and in most situations, except those few hours when we drink at a bar on Thursdays through Saturday night, and when we really don’t know what we are doing. We give our word to do our best to isolate ourselves from the outside world whenever we are out. We will do so by wearing sun glasses, whether we need them or not, and by also having headphones on all the time. We promise to text as much as possible and take any other measures to prevent any kind of accidental or casual eye contact with the people and men around us. We will pay partulcar attention to our cellphones in those situations where people traditionally do check each other out, such as bus stops and coffee shops. Once on a bus or on a train, we will turn away from any guy who would sit or stand next to us. At any other time, when we don’t text or have our sunglasses on, we will maintain a cold, distant, stuck-up look on our face and make it clear to everyone around us, that we are not to be bothered because we are in our own world. No matter how lonely we feel and how desperately we want to meet someone and experience love, romance and all the magic that comes with in, we will continue to act unapproachable. Thus, we will leave no other choice for men to talk to us except by finding us on one of the online dating sites or Facebook.”
I honestly think that every woman who acts like described above should be paid commissions by the online dating companies, who directly benefit from those women’s unfriendly behavior by pushing more and more guys away from flirting in the real world and into trying to ignite the sparks of romance in the cyber world.
I find it hilarous how just about every woman who has an online dating profile in SF describe herself as living in a state of eternal bills and being on a verge of nirvana. Between having an amazing job that she always dreamt of having, having great family who she is close with, a supportive group of friends, going to the gym 14 times a week, and taking yoga and pilates class every day before work, and enjoy “everything this city has to offer” how can life get any better? I don’t know what possess them to go so far to sounds so over the top happy. Is it the desire to prove to the opposite sex that they are not all bi-polar, depressed men-hating shopaholics? Or is it an attempt to compensate or overcompensate for lack of interest in sex? Or maybe both? Are they trying to convince others how fabulous they are or are they trying to make themselves feel better about not being so fabulous and about not being all that happy, even though they might have everything they thought they need in order to be happy?
Oh, wait – they always laugh, are always happy and never have any drama in their life. They also don’t take anything seriously and find humor in everything. These women make life in the Garden of Eden sound like a mundane reality. But… wait a moment. Who are these stuck-up and angry looking women who rush through downtown in obvious distress, wearing their “aviators” and apple headphones at all times of the day and night? The vibe their presense creates on muni is hardly a warm one. Are these the same women who say that they are always happy and they always laugh? Are these the same girls who always see the half glass full? What was the last time they vomited their drama for 2 hours on their friend over coffee? How long has it been since they missed their appointment to refill their anti-depressants? If I didn’t know any better, I would have actually believed that these online dating angles are who they say they are.
No woman says in her online dating profile that she is bipolar, that she is often anxious and depressed, that she makes irrational purchasing decisions at department stores, and that she has some not-so-flattering thoughts and opinions about her friends and her co-workers. But wait – I like bipolar girls. They are exciting as they always keep you on your toes – you never know whether thes ame kind of joke is going to make her laugh histerically or make her cry, or hit you with her elbow, or storm out and not come back for a while.
I am still waiting for one woman to commit to keeping it real in the online dating world and state openly and baldly not only her Nobel Prize worthy accomplishments, but also her flaws or at least idyosynchrasies.