Why Women Find Guys Who Are Out With Other Women More Attractive

sheep herd mentality and datingIt’s not a secret that a guy who is out at a bar/restaurant/club with a group of female friends gets more attention from other women than if he was out with men or even worse – alone. Different reasons have been suggested as to why a man is more attractive when he is around other women. I rarely buy any of them because if we look at the big picture – we come back yet again to the same fundamental cause of this greater interest in a guy who seems to be socializing with other females – it’s nothing other than the good old herd mentality.

The same “people are waiting for two hours in line, so it must be good” sheep mindset that makes people stand in line for breakfast in the morning is at play here. There is a perception that if that guy hangs out with all these women, there must be something attractive about him that makes all those other women interested in being in his company.

Time to Hate on HowAboutWe.com

Having reflected on the Tinder service since I first talked about it being the new dating crutch, I had the opportunity to consider the new howaboutwe.com dating site. Here are my initial observations:

First, the good – I strongly support any attempt to get people off their ass and away from the computer and to get them to do something together, whether it’s hiking, running, or just having coffee and having an actual, live conversations rather than e-mail and text.

On a deeper level, however, this kind of site endorses a certain hypocrisy, where people are forced to pretend that they want to engage in a certain activity rather  what they presumably are really after – meeting a person who they find interesting and attractive and being with that person regardless of the activity they are involved in.

I am not a big fan at all of people pretending to be after something, when it’s something completely different that they want. In that sense, an ordinary dating site where people say a few things about themselves and what they are looking for as far as dating/relationship goes, encourages people to be more honest. Whether they are in fact honest in describing themselves and what they want is, of course, another matter.

Tinder – The New Crutch For Meeting People in SF

tinder dating serviceI consider Tinder to be in a way a revolutionary breakthrough in bridging the gap between men and women that so far has been filled with men’s fear of approaching women, women’s apparent unfriendly energy and downright hostile attitude, and all kinds of related insecurities.

However, I can’t help but perceive Tinder as yet another sign of how much less advanced we humans are, than we would like to believe. If we need sophisticated software and GPS signal in order to meet others who are actually located right around us, there must be something wrong with us. Also, I am not sure at all whether a man gets a good deal when he trades the rush pushing his confidence boundaries and approaching women in person for clicking on faces on his smartphone, hoping that a girl, who is probably overwhelmed by hundreds of clicks and pings from other guys, would click back on him, and will actually have enough, attention span and emotional energy to follow through with him out of all the other guys.

I bet the next, upgraded version of this service will make your phone beep faster and louder when you approach a prospective admirer, kind of like metal detector. And it’s inevitable in light of the local climate that the following upgrade will be putting “$$” signs next to guys’ pictures to reflect their net worth. They could just copy and paste the sings from the restaurants section on yelp.

How Tech Jobs Kill Female Libido

how stress kills the libido of profssional women in San FranciscoIf you think that the tech world ruins the local dynamics between sexes only because it creates a sausage fest (several sqewed male dominanted demographics), and because the men in the tech industry are for the most part socially inept, pencil-neck nerds, whose only interest in life is one day selling their start-up to Google, you are missing another major element of how the tech indutry kills almost any chance of love, flirting and romance – by attacking women and more specifically – by taking away their libido.

The guys in San Francisco can complain all they want about how stuck-up, overly emancipated, unfriendly and angry the local women are. And they have a point. Between sunglasses, headphones and generally looking miserable (i.e. take any bus during rush hour in the fancial district), you could see why men would feel that these women are completely unavailable. However, as much as I love hating, it doesn’t really help solve this problem. Judging and condemning a behavior is easy. However, it is just as important or even more important to understand why at least some women are so removed from anything that would remotely resemble being interested in the opposite sex. I have never worked in tech, but I can imagine how a fast-paced job at a typical San Francisco start-up would make an otherwise healthy woman lose interest not just in one guy, but become disinterested in meeting guys and in dating in general.

A woman who works 10 hours a day or more, who has strict deadlines for her matter-of-life-or-death projects, and who is concerned about her upcoming performance review and the tensions between her and her management, will have little, if any, energy and motivation to even think about meeting guys, flirting, having passionate sex, and going out on dates, where she doesn’t have to check her phone or look at her watch every 10 minutes.

The way so many SF’s tech women date can hardly be considered dating. Meeting guys and dating cannot and should not feel like a job – like something you are supposed to do because you are 32 and you are supposed to be in a relationship, working toward having a family. Meeting men and going out on dates should be something you genuinely enjoy. Sex that makes your scream should be something you really want in the evening, after you have been day dreaming about it. Sex should not be an obligatory ritual with someone you are “seeing” that helps you relief your streess.

The pressures and the anxieties of the start-up world force many women in San Francisco sacrifice their libido for the sake of yet another performance bonus. However, no upscale dinner, or an expensive purse from Neiman Marcus, or another spa day will make up for not having the time, energy and emotional power to look for a romantic connection with a guy or enjoy it once you met that special someone.

Sure, this kind of lifestyle of being extremely busy all the time will make her feel important. However, sacrificing any chance of having that excitement from romance, intimacy and love that made “50 Shades of Grey” such a best-seller, for a corner office is a very high price to pay. Sadly, too many women don’t realize it until it’s a little too late.

When I ask myself about what motivates women to want to be part of that tech world grind, I can think of one reason – these women think that what makes men happy, will make women happy as well. This conclusion is misguided, because it rests on a false premise that the same things make both sexes happy. Men and women are fundamentlly different creatures. We are built differently, and our anatomy and physiology have fundamental differences. Why would one assume then that the same things in life would make both men and women feel the same way?  This means, therefore, that one significant step a woman, who finds herself trapped in the tech hell, can take toward enlightement is putting an end to comparing and trying to match her life and her goals to those of her male peers and co-workers. Instead, she should start asking herself what she really wants, and what makes her feel fufilled.

Ten Reasons San Francisco has Become a Home to Male Pussies

san francisco's professional angry stuck up unapproachable womenOne of the saddest and the more socially disturbing trends in San Francisco has been the decline of masculinity among the city’s straight men as it related to their relationships with women. I believe that there are 10 major reasons that have contributed to men becoming softer, more passive and less “manly”  in their interactions with women:

1. Being needed by a woman and feeling like you are needed by a woman is a fundamental part of feeling like a man and actually being a man. I hate to go cliche on you, but for thosands of years women sought financial, physical and emotional support from men. That didn’t make them desperate or needy or in any way unattractive. It was a natural order of things. Women actually enjoyed needing men and showing to men that they want them. As women became more professionally accomplished and finacially secure, holding various executive positions in cutting edge industries in the San Francisco area, their need for that kind of support has declined and for some  – completely disappeared. Many of thosee professional women have important jobs, a large group of friends to go out with and socialize in any setting, and money to spend that keeps them busy shopping, dining, etc. As a result, meeting and dating men goes many steps down in their list of priorities. Many of these women are too stressed out and are too busy to even seriously thinkg about dating with their coporate meetings, business travel, and client calls. Just a few years ago, women complained that they didn’t like when men asked them out by text instead of calling. Now, women actually prefer being courted by texting and respond to men’s call with texts. This sounds anti-romantic and pathetic on so many levels, but it is what it is. And by the way, I fully support and embrace equal rights among all sexes (does anyone know how many of those we have here in SF?), but I resent some of the social side affects of this equality that either kill any chance of romance or don’t even let it spark in the first place.

2. Work related stress and fatigue reduce women’s sex drive. A woman who is not interest in sex and the associated physical intimacy is going to be even less nice and less interested in meeting and dating men. Men notice this kind of lack of enthusiasm in women’s behavior and it is quite discouraging to them.

3. The men in San Francisco are confused by women’s behavior. Look around yourself downtown. There are so many attractive women. Many of them dress as provocatively as they possibly can, wearing clothing that’s either very revealing or very tight or both. Between tight jeans and boots, boots and skirts, booty shorts, and yoga pants – a guy who walks downtown SF, especially on a warmer day, can find a dish for every male fetish – form a yoga/fitness girl to a naughty Banana Republic librarian. And yet the body language and the mannerisms of those women is completely not in synch with their style. Most of them look stuck up, angry and unapproachable, hiding behind tons of make-up, sunglasses and headphones whenever and wherever they are. They don’t make eye contact with anyone and do everything they can to isolate themselves from the world around them, not allowing any chance to have any kind of casual interaction with the people around them. This is yet another discouraging sign to men that their interest is not welcome or even repugnant to all those women. Whether it’s true or not is a different question, but men cannot simply disregard this unfriendly energy. Many men don’t realize that just because a woman looks sexy or has a sex appeal doesn’t mean that she is a sexual person. In fact, often the opposite is true. The sexiest women in this city appear to be disinterested in the world around them. They cat-walk down the street in their high heels as if they were on a fashion show runway, but this doesn’t translate into physical passion and desire, or even mere curiousity.

4. Many of these ambitious, accomplished women believe that they are God’s gift to this world. They take themselves way too seriously. They can’t take an inappropriate joke or laugh at themselves. They don’t get raw sarcasm. Being on a mission to prove to the world that they can do anything and everything a man can and more, they are hypersensitive and argumentative. They tend to challenge men just for the sake of challenging them. A guy who goes out with a woman like that will soon realize that the only way to get along with her is to be extremely proper, diplomatic and politically correct. Walking on eggshells is often the best policy if he wants to get laid. A man who walks on eggshells with several women will adopt this kind of behavior in the future. However, the same overly polite and accommodating behavior will be perceived as unattractive and boring to those women who are in touch with their femininity and who have not become victims of excessive feminism.

5. Jaded women (and men). Too much dating means too much sex, too much bad sex, and too many disappointments in the opposite sex. After so many disappointments, women start believing that all the male kind is the same and it’s all lame, so why even bother and hope for tha prince in a shining armor. That kind of jadedness makes women act and look even more unfriendly and bitter, assuming the worst about every guy who dares to glance at them.

6. Sterile workplace. Men are trained to act like innocent, nutered little puppies at work. The scare of sexual harassment makes most companies have policies that take harassment pevention way too far. In many companies, you can get disciplined or fired for an innocent, funny sexual innuendo or circulating a dirty joke by e-mail. People who are repressed at work day after day can’t just snap out of it right away and be ready for action as  soon as they leave their office building. Leading that kind of double life is not easy, to say the least.

7. If you don’t use it, you lose it. A typical guy in San Francisco has two kinds of game: 1. internet game; and 2. alcohol game. He meets women on-line and in bars when he and the women he meets  are drunk enough to not feel any pressure or anxiety when talking to a new. The need to beat the approach anxiety and initiate conversations with women is gone, and as a result the ability to approach women in casual situations is atrophied.

8. The guys in San Francisco have bigger egos than before. Too many guys in San Francisco have too much money. While sometimes it is translated into confidence with women, most younger successful guys develop a big ego that makes them act like women. They too act and look “cool” and unapproachable. They too wear sunglasses and headphones way too often, even when it’s completely inappropriate. They too don’t make eye contact and don’t even look at the women that walk by them. Knowing that in our culture looking at a woman with interest is considered a crime doesn’t help and further discourages them from checking wone out. It’s not wonder that the few women who are in touch with their basic feminine self and sexuality actually enjoy walking by construction workers and being admired by “real” men, even if those guys are not someone they would ever want to go out with.

9. Herd mentality. If only a small minority of women in San Fracisco acted unapproachable and stuck up, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but somehow, mysteriously, there appears to be a following of sun glassses / headphone wearing, constantly texting, preoccupied women who look and act the same in ways that make them look painfully unoriginal and bland – at least downtown.

10. Playing games. The idea of being a “challenge” when it comes to meeting and dating – acting unvailable on purpose and playing other kinds of known games has been marketed to both men and women. Although under very specific circumstances with very specific people, being a challenge might work to your advantage, in the vast majority of cases it does much more damage than any good, not to mention that most people today can smell any attempt to be a “challenge” from a mile away because it has been discussed and belabored in so many magazines and movies, and it no longer impresses anyone as an attractive quality. Trying to act busier than you really are doesn’t make you more attractive any more, but it only makes you look like someone who is not in control of his/her life and who has poor time management skills.

San Francisco Women – Are You “Too Busy”?

woman in San Francisco that's too busy

Compulsive texting while crossing Battery st during lunch hour.

We all know at least one or a few of them. These are the women who have a very demanding job with a workday significantly longer than 9-5. More like 8 to 8. They also take yoga class and another fitness class, have a museum subscription and are members of a bookclub. They also volunteer at a local hospital or a church once a week. Above that they have 6 friends who they try to have coffee with for about an hour every week or at least every other week to just stay in touch, spend 2 hours a week on the phone with their friends who moved out of town/state. They have about 1 first date every week or two and they concurrently text to 3 guys and 2 close friends. They have about 150 facebook “friends” that need an occasional attention or a photo tagging every now and then.

Whether it’s to escape a recent break up or any other painful event, or to eliminate any chance of being bored or depressed by filling their calendar to the maximum, having too much on their plate leaves no space for developing any one significant friendship or relationship. They might think that being that busy and almost virtually unavailable makes them look cool and important, but the opposite is true. In this city, the come across more as victims or even slaves of their own circumstances. These women spend more time on phone tag and delayed text messges than hearing real voices and having real conversation.

Such dating services as “It’s Just Lunch” cater to this kind of life style. Al a carte dating is hardly conducive to any kind of passion or romance, and yet they think that boxing a date into a lunch hour will allow thos women to figure it all out about the guy. Perhaps the emphasis on the first impressions that has been channelled through various sources of dating and business davice is nothing other than an excuse for our impatience, our eagerness to figure everything and everyone out as soon as possible without giving it or ourselves a seconds chance, when in fact it simply cannot be done without allowing a certain amount of time to elapse.

To get to know someone – whether a friend or a significant other, you need to see them “in action” in a number of different situations. This necessarily requires more than one meeting and more than one conversation. The sooner we realize it, the better off we will be at screening people one way or the other.