Ask yourself the following twelve questions and if you answer three or more of them in the affirmative, you are a douche, officially certified by IHTIA. And when in doubt as to whether you are a douche, play it safe and say that you are, because … you probably are.
1. Do you wear a pocket square in your jacket even though you are not going to any special event?
2. Do you consider dining to be your hobby?
3. Do you go to more than two happy hours a week?
4. Do you like to hang out at Irish bars?
5. Do you work in finance/investment/securities?
6. Are you white?
7. Do you wear sunglasses when you don’t need them?
8. Do you live on Chestnut or anywhere near there?
9. Do you tell people you live in the Marina/Cow Hollow because “it’s safe”?
10. Do you only date girls who live “in the city”?
11. Do you drive a German car (VW doesn’t count)?
12. Do you use the term “hip” in reference to restaurants and bars?
13. Last but certainly not least – you have that douche look in your eyes. You might be proud of it or your might have wished you didn’t have it, but you can’t help it. It’s part of your identity, and I am sorry to deliver those sad news – it’s probably incurable.