Annual Advanced Degrees Singles Party – New Flavor of Douche

In yet another pretentious attempt to distinguish themselves from the rest, and in its consistent spirit of douche, the pasty , Ivy educated youth of San Francisco will host an Advanced Degrees Singles Party. I love the premise and the theme of this event, but I have a couple of questions:

First, what does “advanced” mean”? Is Masters degree good enough or does it have to be PhD? What about DDS? Are Chiropractors and Physical Therapists in or out? Does MBA count as advanced?  Surely, a girl who voluntarily dropped out of law school and said “fuck it” is more advanced in my eyes than the one who is on a mission to prove to the world that she can do anything a guy can and that her penis is just as big.

Secondly, why not come up with a more catchy name for this party that would mean exactly the same? – “Nerd Fest” and “Vanilla Convention” are two very legitimate options.

I don’t think I can resist going and checking out for myself how pathetic that party is going to be. Let me guess – it will start by the sober nerds and (below) average looking girls show up and stare at their phones and texting for a few hours till alcohol kicks in. At that point, they are going to have some stupid ruffle game to break the ice because booze alone is no longer enough. Then, the attendees will be forced to interact with each other in the most cliche, junior-high way, until everyone gets bored with the same “What’s your favorite color?” “What do you do?” and “What’s Your Sign” bs.

In the end, everyone will get disappointed and frustrated with yet another night wasted on awkwardness. The Ivy betas will go home holding their small penises in one hand and their phone with Okcupid running in another. The freckled girls will go back to their vibrators and Instagram after spending an hour complaining to a friend on the phone or by texting about how lame the Ivy douche party was.

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