1. You Pay More Than $30 for a Haircut
There are just too many places to cut your hair under and way under $30 all around the city. If you feel compelled to go to the higher-end salons to take care off your hair, it’s probably time to wear more pink.
2. Dining is Your Hobby
Dining is something you do; it’s not a hobby or an interest – not for a straight man anyway, unless he is a professional chef. I just can’t see how Clint Eastwood would go “hmmmmm!” in any of hims movies, while trying a new appetizer.
If you list dining or “trying different foods” or “enjoying ethnic cuisine” as one of your hobbies on any social media or dating site, it’s time to buy silk underwear and put a rainbow flag in your window. Starting your conversation with “Have you been to … (insert name of new pretentious, douchy, overrated restaurant) is also extremely gay. And the more excited you look when you ask that question, the more of a queer you are.
3. You Wear Tailored Suits
A suit that fits you well flatters you and just about everyone else. However, if your suit follows the lines of your body, like you would see in Details/GQ, I can hear those gay bells ringing loudly and clearly, calling you to apply for a job in the cosmetics department at Macy’s.
4. You Have Many Attractive Female Friends
There could be only two major reasons why you would have a number of attractive female friends: (a) you have a lot in common – hence, you have a lone of feminine interests (shopping, dining, manicures, etc…); and/ or (b) you have a low sex drive and those girls don’t perceive you as a sexual threat because they know you are not going to make a move and you are not going to try to bang them. In either case – you are fag.
5. You Own a Wine Cooler
Wine cooler is an accessory that a self-respecting straight man, who prides himself on being masculine, would be ashamed of owning, and so he should.