How Tech Jobs Kill Female Libido

how stress kills the libido of profssional women in San FranciscoIf you think that the tech world ruins the local dynamics between sexes only because it creates a sausage fest (several sqewed male dominanted demographics), and because the men in the tech industry are for the most part socially inept, pencil-neck nerds, whose only interest in life is one day selling their start-up to Google, you are missing another major element of how the tech indutry kills almost any chance of love, flirting and romance – by attacking women and more specifically – by taking away their libido.

The guys in San Francisco can complain all they want about how stuck-up, overly emancipated, unfriendly and angry the local women are. And they have a point. Between sunglasses, headphones and generally looking miserable (i.e. take any bus during rush hour in the fancial district), you could see why men would feel that these women are completely unavailable. However, as much as I love hating, it doesn’t really help solve this problem. Judging and condemning a behavior is easy. However, it is just as important or even more important to understand why at least some women are so removed from anything that would remotely resemble being interested in the opposite sex. I have never worked in tech, but I can imagine how a fast-paced job at a typical San Francisco start-up would make an otherwise healthy woman lose interest not just in one guy, but become disinterested in meeting guys and in dating in general.

A woman who works 10 hours a day or more, who has strict deadlines for her matter-of-life-or-death projects, and who is concerned about her upcoming performance review and the tensions between her and her management, will have little, if any, energy and motivation to even think about meeting guys, flirting, having passionate sex, and going out on dates, where she doesn’t have to check her phone or look at her watch every 10 minutes.

The way so many SF’s tech women date can hardly be considered dating. Meeting guys and dating cannot and should not feel like a job – like something you are supposed to do because you are 32 and you are supposed to be in a relationship, working toward having a family. Meeting men and going out on dates should be something you genuinely enjoy. Sex that makes your scream should be something you really want in the evening, after you have been day dreaming about it. Sex should not be an obligatory ritual with someone you are “seeing” that helps you relief your streess.

The pressures and the anxieties of the start-up world force many women in San Francisco sacrifice their libido for the sake of yet another performance bonus. However, no upscale dinner, or an expensive purse from Neiman Marcus, or another spa day will make up for not having the time, energy and emotional power to look for a romantic connection with a guy or enjoy it once you met that special someone.

Sure, this kind of lifestyle of being extremely busy all the time will make her feel important. However, sacrificing any chance of having that excitement from romance, intimacy and love that made “50 Shades of Grey” such a best-seller, for a corner office is a very high price to pay. Sadly, too many women don’t realize it until it’s a little too late.

When I ask myself about what motivates women to want to be part of that tech world grind, I can think of one reason – these women think that what makes men happy, will make women happy as well. This conclusion is misguided, because it rests on a false premise that the same things make both sexes happy. Men and women are fundamentlly different creatures. We are built differently, and our anatomy and physiology have fundamental differences. Why would one assume then that the same things in life would make both men and women feel the same way?  This means, therefore, that one significant step a woman, who finds herself trapped in the tech hell, can take toward enlightement is putting an end to comparing and trying to match her life and her goals to those of her male peers and co-workers. Instead, she should start asking herself what she really wants, and what makes her feel fufilled.

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