Five Undeniable Reasons San Francisco Is So Damn Low on Love and Romance

no-ove-in-san-francisco1. You are too much in love with dining and drinking, which leaves little space in your heart and soul for falling in love with humans and for romantic walks – not to or from restaurants and bars but with no specific destination while enjoying each other’s company.

2. You are too in love with your job and your career, which leaves too little time and energy for loving humans.

3. You are too in love with being overbooked, having too many hobbies and appearing busier than you should really be, which makes you busy all the not-so-important things, while missing out on far more profound experiences.

4. You are too jaded. You have gone out on too many bad or not-so-great coffee dates, which left very little, if any, hope for being swept off your feet, or for pursuing someone like it’s the only special person for you in the world.

5. You are too in love with your smartphone. You look at it, you talk to it and you touch way too much, which leaves little time or energy for noticing, looking at and touching other fellow humans.


Execution is More Important Than Substance

form-substanceSubstance might be more important than form, but execution usually trumps both.

  • What you do for a living is not as important as who you work with and the overall atmosphere in your office.
  • What the movie is about is not nearly as important as how it’s made, the characters’ personality and the underlying message it carries, if any. Even more so – what the book is about is not nearly as important as how it’s written.
  • The lyrics and the music are important, but not as important as the singer’s voice of the singer.
  • What you do on a date isn’t nearly as important as the behavior and the attitude of the person you are with as well as your own.
  • What you wear is not as important as how well it fits you.

Spiritual Saturday San Francisco Style

  • traffic-to-napaGet up at 10 and go stand in line for oh-so-heavy-not-so-great breakfast some place douchy, like Hayes Valley.
  • Head to GG Bridge by 11 am and sit in traffic for 2 hours to get to Napa.
  • Visit a few overrated wineries and get drunk under the disguise of being a classy wine connoisseur.
  • Have an expensive, overrated bland lunch in Napa.
  • Get back just in time to watch another boring game game and have a few beers.
  • Have heavy dinner and more alcohol at a pretentious, overcrowded restaurant in the Mission.
  • Go across the street and have a few more shots.
  • Take Uber home, assuming you are not so drunk you don’t remember what Uber is.

The Worst of Both Worlds

office-cubicle-trapIt’s Monday morning. You walk outside your house. You are on your way to work. It’s a beautiful day. It’s another day that promises to be sunny without an imposing heat. You are filled with hope and a few positive thoughts. Your mind might be on that coffee you are sipping or it might be far far away, preoccupied with memories or future plans or random philosophical questions. The first few humans you encounter on your way to work ruin everything. That never stopping downtown attitude reminds you of where you really are – a stew made of New York City business edge, obnoxious California entitlement, and fake, I-am-acting-way-happier-and-way-more-laid-back-than-I-really-am. behavior. You feel light nausea. Thank god everyone is buried in their i-phones and they can’t notice the disgust in your eyes.

You are thinking that maybe you should check your phone too. Nothing exciting since you woke up, except a tempting livingsocial trip deal for the coming weekend that you can’t make, because your boss asked you to come in on Saturday. You get off the bus on Sansome and you notice the same headphone / sunglasses wearing drones rushing to work while trying oh so hard to look excited about their day….

Now you have to walk through this mess till you get to your cubicle on Howard / 2nd. You have a few minutes to prepare yourself to act like you care about your work. You approach your building and you see the longest line for blue bottle. Do these people work? They seem to really enjoy standing in that line. Oh well, who can blame them – it surely is better than sitting around in a stuffy office with little or not air circulation and refreshing e-mail ever 2 minutes upstairs. Now you admire them. What looked like a line of shame a moment ago now looks rather tempting. You get in line and you hope your turn never comes. You are really not in the mood to listen to the same “how was your weekend?” bs and pretend like you care about your co-workers’ Napa and Tahoe adventures. You are like, you know, like soooo over it.

Da Uber Douche

escalade-uber-san-franciscoMy hate for Uber comes with substantial delay, considering how much criticism it has been getting so far – from biting articles in local newspapers to lawsuits all over the world. Seeing the tremendous benefits of this service, I have been struggling to find something worthy of my disdain till last week. However, As I saw a total douche come out of the shiny Escalade and walking into my office building, all of a sudden it dawned on me. The reason this service appeals to the local doucherati so much is because it makes it look like they have a private driver when they come out or like they are some kind of officials driven by a government security type car. Of course, the fact that Uber is routinely used by tipsy, slutty looking entitled blonds for their bar crawling escapades doesn’t add any glory to the service.

Since in SF nothing beats looking more important than you really are, the raving success of Uber is inevitable. Therefore, now it’s the perfect time to hate on the Uber douche.

San Francisco Wannabe Douches Are Known for Having Short …

short-pants-san-franciscopants. Just look around you when you walk downtown and you will see how many men are poorly hung that way.

I don’t care if having short pants is in style now. It looks lame and inexcusable regardless of any passing fashion trend.

If you are an aspiring douche and you are reading this, look at your pants and make sure that you socks don’t show from underneath.